|Real world horoscopes.
ďIf today is your birthday, follow your heartís desires this year. Love in the spring will be light, sweet and inspiring. In May, family members will make an important resolution that may improve your life. A windfall is connected to an inheritance in August. Your lucky numbers are 1,4,20,17 and 46.Ē Sunday Sun, 2/17/02.
Give me a break! When are horoscopers (my word) going to stop trying to convince readers that thereís a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow, and romantic encounters behind every tool shed? (Disclaimer: If the numbers 1,4,20,17 and 46 win next weekís lottery Iíll write a glowing review of Hovnanianís Four Seasonís development in a later issue of the Bay Times.) In the meantime, however, Iíd like to set the record straight with these real world Eastern Shore horoscopes.
Aries (March 21-April 19). You will convince a winsome lass that she should spend the evening with you at a discreet luxury motel in Grasonville after unleashing a dazzling display of natural charm at No Place Saloon. You will see her again the next day at a family reunion where she will be introduced to you as a second cousin on your motherís side.
Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will back your boat trailer down a ramp, tie your boat to a piling, get back in your pickup, wonder where that gurgling sound is coming from, look down and see a drain plug lying on the passenger seat next to you.
Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will wear out your welcome at a local American Legion Post after you rent their hall to entertain a group of visiting convenience store franchisees.
Cancer (April 20-May 20). One day you will drive into the Castle Marina traffic circle and never get out.
Leo (July 23-Aug.22). You will take fashion advice from your buddies at the Moose Lodge and show up at your grandmotherís funeral in an orange shirt, purple string tie, green plaid jacket and Wranglerís jeans.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will buy 50 pounds of pork out of the trunk of a strangerís car for a really good price and go home to find out that your pet pig is missing.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You will receive a bonus on your Caribbean vacation when the ocean breezes you wished for will rise from 15 mph to 120 mph in a category-6 hurricane that will level the hotel you are staying in.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will marry a chicken-necker and be cut out of your fatherís will, but didnít want a diesel-powered workboat built in Dominion in 1943 anyway.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will receive an award from the county commissioners for your idea to rename Kent Island ďGlen Burnie By The Sea.Ē
Capricorn (Dec.22-Jan 19). You will be notified by the Maryland DNR that any income you receive from commercial crabbing must be sent to the Virginia Watermanís Association based on Rule 124 G, Section R that reads: Any blue crab found in the Chesapeake Bay north of Williamsburg will be considered an escapee from winter dredging of molting females and is the property of the State of Virginia.
Aquarius (Jan.20-Feb.18). Youíll be pulled over by a sheriffís deputy on route 8 South for smiling while driving a red pickup truck with your baseball cap turned backward, which is considered highly suspicious behavior in Queen Anneís County.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Due to a Department of Motor Vehicles administrative error, you have no future.
© 2000 - 2002 Bill
Evans. Used By Permission. All Rights Reserved.